Today as I was working I received an e-mail from Brooke at school - she had been assigned a project that involved writing 3 stories that could stand alone as there own story but if put together could make 1 story. She needed my help in finding a title. What I found was so much more than a title of a story for a high school language arts project.
The days, months, and years that I was going through my divorce are probably some of the most "selfish" days of my existence as a mother. Selfish in my mind because I spent a great deal of time reflecting on my OWN happiness. Don't get me wrong - I had spent endless hours sitting on a chair in a psychologist office telling him that I was willing to endure a life of misery to keep my children happy. But the reality of it all was my children weren't going to be happy unless I was. So came to life, the misery that I put my family through with the choices I made as a wife and mother.
I knew in "The End" that it would be OK - because I knew there wouldn't be an "END" until it was!!
Here is what my daughter wrote about - her pain is still very raw in my heart. I will do anything to protect my children from pain. But, in the end.....I have never been a prouder parent. My children are my world. They are the reason I exist. And if I sent this beautiful child out into the world today - I know that my job as a mother is pretty damn good. I am SO proud to share her story with my friends and family.
Divorce Through My Eyes
And Then There
Were Two
We were always one. One unit, one clan, one team, one cult. One family. We went together as well as a new born and its mother. We were the fabulous, fantastic five. My mom, dad, brother, Brandon, sister, Brianna, and me.
But one day, a hurricane came and swept us off our feet, we did not know what to do. The black hole of despair swallowed us whole into the darkness and emptiness of divorce. BOOM! Our entire world was changed.
Alone, that is how we felt. Alone, with no one to turn to. Alone, with nothing to grab onto. Alone, like a cub without his mother. Alone.
When the news came that we had to separate, it was a horror movie in our house. There were fits, as if we were five years old. There were screams, as if the world was about to end. But most of all, there were cries, cries of help, cries of hope, and cries of loneliness.
We needed help. We needed love. We needed God. We needed friends. But most of all, we needed each other, through the paths and struggles of divorce.
A Listening Ear
“AHHHHHHHH!” That is what was boiling inside me for the seconds, minutes, hours, weeks, months, and at point years that followed the horrendous news. I wanted to scream like a baby that can not be helped. I wanted to scream so everyone could hear me. But I didn’t.
I did not let out any clues about the volcano inside of me waiting to erupt. I was silent. No, not mute, but silent, about my true feelings. None of my friends knew what was happening, I was good at hiding my feelings. I acted happy, acted. Yes, at points I was, but at some, I felt on the verge of my eruption. But, I was silent.
My family was falling apart…. my mom moved out…. my sister was never home…. my brother and dad hid in their rooms…. my house was not my home. I felt alone. I did not have anyone to tell my feelings too because I was embarrassed of what my friends would think.
Then, I found him. I told him my feelings, and he handled my big eruptions. He listened, and did not interrupt. He was always there, wherever I was. He kept my hopes up through out the day. He did not give up on me. He lent a helping hand when I needed it. He was a miracle worker. He helped my family strengthen through this weakening travel. God was my listening ear.
Final Happiness
Some may say that divorce never ends in a happy ending. That it is always a shadow lingering behind you. That no matter if you feel an endless supply of happiness, that shadow comes back to haunt you. Those people are wrong.
No, I do not think of divorce as delightful, but as a new beginning. We were all happy, there was no more screaming between our parents, we did not have to hide in our rooms, and we felt as if we could finally be comfortable in our house, even if we did not all live together. We all have had and still have our moments we wish we were still together, but we are also very grateful that we do not have to go through the pain of fighting in the house. Our clan seemed to become closer in a process that usually separates families.
In addition to our family becoming closer, I gained a new loving, caring, and reliable step-dad, step-brother, and step-sister. My mom got remarried to Jim, who had two kids already, and they feel like my blood-related siblings. From gaining these three new additions to my family, I also gained new life lessons. My step-dad taught me how to get closer to God, more then just going to church. I learned, from a bright, bubbly seven year old, to use my imagination, no matter what age. He also taught me to be patient, and to never give up when helping someone try to accomplish a goal. From the bubbly four year old, I saw what I was like when I was little. I also learned how to be a good role model and older sister for the two younger ones, since I was always the youngest of the bunch.
Divorce, a thing most people think of as separation, actually brought me closer with my family and complete strangers, who soon became my family. For me, my parents divorce brought a final, happy ending.
I'm sound asleep it's 4:54 am and my fan stops working...the noise that drowns out the rest of the world has me sitting upright in bed. I glance around and the whole room is dark. Not just normal dark - dark dark. We have NO power. 
